these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
pop tarts are not kleenex
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
