I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
