Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
