Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is Oprah even human
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
