No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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