Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
