I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
