Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We had sex on a dog bed..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
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