I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
