I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
