Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
