I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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