I just saw a hot homeless man
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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