I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
