Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
