my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
