you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
