I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
