i think i have two assholes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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