We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Randomize
