my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
