DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
