I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
