I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
