Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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