Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
how do flat chested girls get laid?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
