the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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