Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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