is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
