the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
