need another drink. this is the easiest way
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
