if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
