and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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