you traded sex for a burrito?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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