lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
