when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
