I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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