He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
