awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
