We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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