Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
