I didn't shave. On purpose
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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