hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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