so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
