The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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