the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
