Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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