Can i not drive my cunt home
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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