His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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