I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
