im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
