This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
