tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
