i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
