im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
