you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If I had your ass I would rule the world
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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